In the future we'll all be gay
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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