Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
