I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
His hands were made for my vagina.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
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