don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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