The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
