He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
