I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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