we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
