I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
