The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
