You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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