Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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