I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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