he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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