If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
