3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
