You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
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