Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
