Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
