just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
