I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
