I accidentally had phone sex last night
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
