i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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