i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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