I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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