You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm getting married
To pizza
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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