if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
