Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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