Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
