I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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