You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
