ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
