I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
