I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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