Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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