Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Sorry about my life...
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
