I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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