i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
we should paint friendship bongs
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