As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
