so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
