Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
