I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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