My first STD was from a foam party
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
