I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
