my soul wont recognize me after tonight
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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