apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
