God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
