There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
