how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
