take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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